I'm the Easter Bunny and I want Jesus to Stop Hijacking My Big Day

If Jesus keeps hogging all that sweet Easter limelight, I, the Easter Bunny, will be making an Easter goodbye. For I have had enough. Easter should be about ME. Like, my first name is literally the name of the holiday! I am Easter. Jesus can't argue with that logic, especially when he has CHRISTmas. Oh, Jesus is nervous I'll quit? Well if Jesus can walk on water, he can learn to walk on eggshells. 

I just want what I’m owed. This is me punching up, by the way, as I am a rabbit, and Jesus is a 33-year-old man. Why does Jesus need Easter Sunday? He already has every other Sunday, and awesome merch, and his dad is God. (He’s a nepo baby.) When is enough enough? The only thing I have is the expired Halloween candy you feel guilty about putting in those plastic eggs. Yet that would be enough if I just had my day.

Still not convinced Easter should be about me? Then let's contrast miracles. Which is more compelling? A dude, after a wild Friday night, feeling better again by Sunday? Or the existence of a talking rabbit who gives candy to children around the world? That’s right, it’s me, the talking rabbit. I am the miracle.

Look, all I want is fame, power, and a lot of money. Is that too much to ask? If the Tooth Fairy can do it... Who funds the Tooth Fairy, by the way? And what does he do with the children's teeth? I'm not asking out of concern; I just need to make some extra cash. Have you seen the cost of eggs this year? I'm so in debt I have to pay the Tooth Fairy three sets of dentures this Friday, and that's just an interest payment. So, any ideas? Because Jesus may forgive me for my sins, but I doubt he'll forgive me in bankruptcy.

Oh crap! Santa Claus is coming to town (I owe him money too). This is bad. I did not think I’d have to pay him back. He said he was giving me a loan, but we're friends, so I figured he'd think of it as a gift. Which is, like, his thing. The problem is I don’t have the money anymore. I tried to win it back, ok? How was I supposed to know the hare would lose?

And why must Santa always judge in absolutes? I am not naughty or nice: I am just financially illiterate. Yes, I lost Santa's money, but it was an honest mistake. The lesson has been learned. I now understand that, when investing, it is not good to put all your eggs in one basket. So please, someone, bail me out. Otherwise, Easter will be canceled, and Jesus will despise me, and—

Wait, scratch that. I just had a quick chit-chat with Jesus, and he already knew about everything due to his omnipresence. He says we’re good, and that my debt is forgiven. Easter is saved! Considering that, I guess it’s only fair that I let Jesus take my spotlight this year. But let it be known that this is a one-time deal. Why should Jesus get to steal my holiday?

Anyways, I'll catch you guys on the lawn.

Happy Easter!

From, Easter.