FAQ to the I.T. Department
Why would Russia be interested in hacking a dating site for farmers?
Q: Can you please fix my VHS player?
A: No, we stopped supporting the maintenance of VHS players last month. Besides, the year is 2022, you should instead be using DVDs.
Q: Why can’t I turn my computer on?
A: Has it seen you naked?
Q: Why can’t I turn my computer off?
A: It has seen you naked.
Q: Where can I find documentation on how this software works?
A: Your quest begins with Jim, the senior engineer. Jim will tell you to look at the code. The code will tell you to ask Jim. Jim will then give directions to the boiler room of 1095 Herring Rd. There you will find a key. Go into the woods. Dodge the bear. Dig for two days. You will find a chest. Open it. Inside there will be a single piece of paper with the comment “to do.” This is the current documentation.
Q: Is our website at risk of being hacked by Russia?
A: Why would Russia be interested in hacking a dating site for farmers?
Q: дамы, которые заблокировали меня, встречаются с другими мужчинами?
A: Yes, she is dating someone else now, President Putin.
Q: Russia has hacked us; when will we release an emergency security update?
A: The emergency security update will be released when the auditors arrive.
Q: And when will we change that button’s color from pink to hot pink?
A: Since hot pink is the organization's top priority, it will be released before the security update.
Q: The auditors were outraged by the button's new shade of pink. Going forward, how do we prevent this from happening?
A: We will hire contractors to, over the next two years, develop best practices for every shade of pink. This will be their only job.
Q: What skills do interviewers value most during the hiring process?
A: Interviewers want to see that you have a positive attitude and the technical ability to fix VHS players.
Q: What is your remote policy?
A: Do not change the channel.
Q: What about your remote work policy?
A: It is complicated. In summary, automatic tests verify the remote still works after each hardware and software update.
Q: Can you please reset my password to “ShakiraGoesWockaWocka?”
A: No, and please note that sending us this password is a major breach of our security policy. In the future, please include one number or special character.
Q: I recently read that the computer on board the Apollo 11 spaceship only had 4 kilobytes of RAM. That computer got us to the moon. Why are you requesting we purchase computers with better technology?
A: The computer that got us to the moon did not have to run Google Chrome.
Q: Are you interested in hearing about my startup idea??
A: Yes. Am I interested in then stealing your startup idea? Also yes. But will it be an idea worth stealing? No.
Q: Why did you decide to pursue a career in information technology?
A: When I was a boy, my father told me that, to succeed in any career, you need to be able to network. Not knowing what that meant, I opened the family dictionary. There networking was defined as “the interlinking of computers and machines.” Following my father’s advice, I decided to then isolate myself from my family and friends. This allowed me to fully dedicate myself to learning about networking, and, by extension, computers.