An Influencer's Guide to the Art of War
When the front is prepared, the rear is lacking, and when the rear is prepared the front is lacking.
Master Sun: When the front is prepared, the rear is lacking, and when the rear is prepared the front is lacking.
Rob: There is no such thing as a full-body workout. Exercise only your strongest features. A man skips leg day because few are attracted to ankles.
Master Sun: Be extremely subtle, to the point of formlessness.
Rob: Those who flex their abs too long look constipated. Those who flex their abs too often disappoint their grandmother.
Master Sun: Be extremely mysterious, to the point of soundlessness.
Rob:
Master Sun: Those skilled at the unorthodox are infinite as heaven and earth.
Rob: Earth is actually finite. Therefore, Master Sun is arguing that “being quirky” has limits.
Master Sun: A military operation involves deception. Even though you are competent, appear to be incompetent.
Rob: An unskilled influencer may accidentally post a nude. A skilled influencer will “accidentally” post nudes.
Master Sun: A victorious army first wins and then seeks battle; a defeated army first battles and then seeks victory.
Rob: Tom Hanks became Tom Hanks because he thinks before he acts. Chet Hanks became Chet Hanks because he acts before he thinks.
Master Sun: Those who are thoroughly aware of the disadvantages in the use of arms are not aware of the advantages of the use of arms.
Rob: I am attracted to your arms. Some are not attracted to your arms. Proceed accordingly.
Master Sun: Those who use arms well cultivate the way.
Rob: Master Sun would have also liked your arms.
Master Sun: There are five kinds of fire attack: burning people, burning supplies, burning equipment, burning storefronts, and burning weapons.
Rob: These all, to some degree, will make you famous.
Master Sun: In a chariot battle, reward the first to capture ten chariots.
Rob: It is said that there is untold power in free keychains. Award those who buy your merchandise.
Master Sun: It is said that victory can be discerned but not manufactured.
Rob: Money will not get people to listen to a trust-fund baby rap about hardship. (Hardship is the name of his yacht.)
Master Sun: The business of the general is quiet and secret.
Rob: Share your thoughts minimally. If a picture is worth a thousand words, there is no need for captions. Never post a picture of a paragraph, as one thousand words squared is one million words, which is longer than the Bible.
Master Sun: Draw them in with the prospect of gain, take them by confusion.
Rob: Take a salacious photo and say you are thirsty. Advertise an OnlyFans. On OnlyFans, sell your late grandmother’s drink recipes. Dedicate your OnlyFans to MeMa.
Master Sun: Go right through the salt marshes; go quickly and do not tarry. If you run through an army in the middle of a salt marsh, stay by the water plants, with your back to the trees. This applies to an army in a salt marsh.
Rob: For a true influencer, this is self-explanatory.
Master Sun: Those who are first on the battlefield and await the opponents are at ease; those who are last on the battlefield and head into battle get worn out.
Rob: If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it might be a platypus trying to copy other famous ducks. It is not sustainable to impersonate a duck. If you’re a platypus, do away with the duck walk and duck lips and show off your platypus walk and platypus lips. Distinguish yourself from the duck by popping eggs while nursing, or something. Be yourself.
Excerpts were used from Thomas Cleary's English translation of the The Art of War for humor/criticism.