Research
As an American, you do not need to concern yourself with researching the best of Europe. Instead, direct yourself by using the locations of American fast-food chains. These will guide you straight to the cultural touchstones of Europe. Enjoy a Big Mac under London’s Big Ben. Sip on a Starbuck Breve Grande in front of Berlin’s Brandenburg Gate. Consume a KFC chicken nugget dinner before confessing in Paris’ Cathedral Notre-Dame.
Avoiding Petty Theft
Are you concerned about someone stealing from your pocket? Remember it is not petty theft if it is important to the criminal. Still concerned? Then wear really tight pants. If the thief can see a topographical map of the swamps, forests and mountains he must face to steal your half-punched coffee-rewards card, he will not partake in the journey.
Dress
In Europe, a man does not need to be concerned with what he wears, as men dress poorly everywhere. You should also not be concerned with having the latest European styles. This is because some of the European stylists immigrated to America. We now refer to these Europeans as “American stylists.” They now make “American styles.” God bless our United States.
Restaurants
The person that said “it’s rude to tip more than a certain percentage in Europe” was a cheapskate. No waiter has ever received a tip and thought “how rude! These Americans have given me too much money!” In addition, do not partake in the hype surrounding Michelin Star restaurants. Why do we entrust a tire company with food recommendations? If you make a flat tire, you should not judge a flatbread.
Transportation
Do not drive an automobile in Europe. Europe is like if New York City was an entire continent: there is no parking anywhere, people hog the road with their bicycles, and sometimes people do crazy things like drive on the wrong side of the road. Instead, use Europe’s superb public transportation. It can be best described as inexpensive, like a Ford, safe, like a Ford, and reliable, unlike a Ford.
Shopping
When traveling across Europe, the souvenirs you collect can multiply exponentially. If you are not careful, the “I Love Berlin” t-shirt and “I love Prague” t-shirt will make you not love your bank balance. To avoid this, it is recommended you instead buy a book about World War Two. This purchase will encompass all the countries and landmarks you visited, and sometimes even show additional places you could not visit because they were bombed! Plus, this purchase has the added benefit of inserting America back into your trip to Europe. It’s a win-win!
Art
The art of Europe overwhelms. From baroque art, which is quite expensive, to modern art, which is quite old, the styles, scope, and subjects of these paintings vary greatly. So what binds this diverse collection of art together then? The rich aristocrats that purchased them. For centuries, these selfless aristocrats exploited their people to commission masterpieces. But masterpieces are expensive; so expensive in fact that they are considered priceless. Since an Aristocrat can not afford something priceless, they would then go broke, and compensate by exploiting their people more. Because the people did not take kindly to this exploitation, the aristocrats would then die. The European aristocrats sacrificed their lives for the art we enjoy. In contrast, American aristocrats have never made that sacrifice. Take that as you will.